The Lost One's Realization
by RealityEscape
Summary: When one of Rin's friends transfers away, she resorts to academic achievement in order to seek emotional fulfillment, through the praise of the others. But by doing so, she has sealed away her real self, doing not what she believes in, but what society expects her to. But her perspective begins to shift when she meets Len, who teaches to follow her passions and conscience.
1. Breakdown

Rin Kagamine pounds on the button of her alarm clock a few seconds before it rings out. She has always had a strangely astute sense of when to wake up. It takes a bit of effort for her to open her eyes, as always, but today she is driven by a fresh determination. The fan on her ceiling is blowing gently, sending a pleasant breeze towards her face, luring her back towards sleep.

_I can't be late today. There's something important._

She rises from her mat on the floor and looks across her bedroom. Her house is small enough so that she could see her door from her bed. Rin looks out the window and sees that the ground has been covered with snow.

_Looking out the window to see the whole earth changed in a night is a miraculous feeling. I wonder what else has gone on that I was unaware of in sleep?_

Her backpack sits under a small shelf bolted to a wall. It held several oranges. One of them is about to fall off the edge. She had slept with her uniform on, knowing that she would be bogged down if she tries to dress right before school. She isn't a morning person.

She grabs the orange that's about to fall and begins to peel it. It hasn't fully ripened yet, so the taste is rather sour, but she doesn't mind that.

_Crap. This one has seeds._

But she doesn't want to waste any time moving to the trash can. Swallowing the seeds, she grabs her backpack. Her eyes fall on a set of white wooden headphones. It's old but functional. At least it hasn't broken within a month of use, like those cheap airplane microphones.

_I used to listen to music all the time, but...I won't have the time when I enter high school. I need to study. I don't enjoy it, but it's the only thing that keeps me fulfilled now. That's all I need to live on. It's not like I have anything else that serves as my life purpose..._

She picks it up, ready to stow it away. She hangs it over one of the branches of her coat rack.

_Damn. I'm forgetting something._

She thinks for a bit and remembers. Her good-luck charm. Walking to her windowsill, she picks up a necklace and puts it over her head. It's a thick piece of string, holding a piece of pale-yellow chalk at its end. It touches the top of her sternum and its cool touch gives her a refreshing feeling, a feeling of confidence. She doesn't believe much in superstition, but having few companions, she has grown to rely on this for support.

_A friend had given it to me. I don't remember his name. I. was very young at the time. I don't even remember why he hung chalk at the end of the necklace._

Rin walks out into the snow and cold weather. A few icicles hang from the edges of her roof, glimmering brilliantly. Normally, this would be a cancelled day due to inclement weather, but all her school's students live within half a mile, so there's little excuse to not attend. She's glad, because she can hardly wait any longer. She's being waiting for this day for a long time.

It's a beautiful view - the bright snow in wide expanses. Several evergreen trees, shaking in the wind and freeing little piles of snow into the air, tower over the earth. The snow on the ground had already become intermingled with ice, making the fields seem adorned with small patches of light. Rin can't help but feel hopeful.

_Perhaps it's a good omen._

Rin finds the street that eventually leads to the school and takes off in a run. The snowblowers and plows haven't yet moved to this section of town, so it's a challenge to move quickly. Wind blows up the fluffy parts of the snow, carrying them across the street. Snowy wind grazes Rin's cheeks.

Several shovelers wave to her as she passes them. She's breathless from the running, too tired to respond. Her backpack feels really heavy now. She could feel her socks becoming drenched with the melting snow.

As she nears the school, her nervousness begins to react with her fatigue. She continues to walk towards the school gate with wrenching feelings in her chest and gut.

_ I don't even have time to exercise anymore because of studying._

Soon she sees the towering brick buildings of her middle school. It's a gigantic place, the massive chimneys giving it the appearance of an industrial factory. The grounds have already been filled with fresh footprints in the snow. Normally, they would be in a scattered, disoriented array, as students move to different classes, but today they all point in the same direction, towards the center of the campus.

As she walks in, she spots two of her classmates sitting on a stone bench right by the entrance.

"Yuki! Akari!"

Rin greets them and approaches, but stops after she walks closer.

Yuki has the top of her face muffled in her scarf. Her cheeks are as white as bone. Akari tries to make a smile of recognition at Rin, but her face quickly collapses into sadness and turns away. She seems to be shaking slightly.

Rin immediately understands. She tries to put on an expression of nonchalance, trying to display no emotion. But she feels very unnerved. She could feel the goosebumps spreading throughout her arms, even though she's under a thick winter coat. Her stomach gives an unpleasant lurch. She notices that her heart is beating energetically.

_The pressure and competition here is insane. Even Yuki and Akari, two of the best students..._

"W-we didn't make it. Leave me alone, Rin. You go see...for yourself."

"Yeah…"

Turning away from her defeated classmates, she walks towards the center garden. She sees the large crowd of people, congregated at the front of a stone wall. She hears a distant cacophony of sounds. She tries to get a look at the wall, but she can't see anything except for the bobbing heads of people.

She sees a boy sitting not far away from the crowd. Rin walks close to him.

He quietly mutters to her: "It's over. My parents. They're going to…"

A sweat drop moves down Rin's cheek as she moves to another area of the crowd.

_20000 have applied, but only 200 will be admitted into the high school. It's one of the most selective in Japan. Be admitted, and everything will be secured. Honor, fame, prestige, reputation…it's all at stake, at this moment._

Rin stands on tiptoe to see over the head of the girl ahead of her, who is sobbing into her arm.

Sheets of white paper are posted on the wall, with the admitted students' names written in blue ink.

_Let me see my name..._

Jogo, Junpei, Kadokawa, Kaku…

_Wait, let me check again..._

She scans the list again and her eyes open wide.

_ My name isn't between Kadokawa and Kaku…_

"Kagamine didn't get in! Can you believe it?"

"The genius Kagamine? Seriously?"

Those words seem to claw into Rin's heart. A destructive, persistent clawing.

_What just happened here?_

_ It doesn't feel right. I've worked into a frenzy over this. I feel so vulnerable. Where is my arrogance? I can't even hide behind that anymore..._

A chilling gust blows and ripples Rin's hair. A sense of doom pervades Rin's consciousness. She closes her eyes, but she can't forget that nightmarish feeling.

_ I have a void. And I can't even fill it anymore, with those feelings of smugness, those feelings of superiority I get from my teachers' praise and my classmates' admiration. I have to keep up this facade, this calm and composed mask. I'm can't let the others see my tears..._

Rin adjusts her hair bow and sweeps her yellow bangs in front of her face. The hair over her forehead forms a shadow over her face, so that nobody could see her eyes. She could taste the salty water drip into her mouth. She walks out of the crowd, face down and silent.

**The main inspiration for this is the song The Lost One's Weeping.**

**I have also been inspired by my personal experiences and several anime that I have watched, namely Clannad, Kanon, Shingeki no Kyojin, Sword Art Online, Angel Beats, Chuunibyou demo koi ga Shitai, Accel World, and the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. I have also been influenced by the visual novel Rewrite. **

**I used Wiktionary for the list of names. **

**Cover image is authored by the Good Smile Company (pretty cheerful name...). **

**I have tried hard to make this work completely original. If you see ideas or structural aspects (word choice, sentence structure and placement, etc.) that seem closely derived from other works, you should notify me of the transgression. I read often and may pick up figures of speech or word patterns that I may involuntarily use here. I have run everything through a plagiarism checker. **

**If you could take some time to review, I would appreciate it. It is my first attempt at fanfiction, so I lack experience, but try to be critical. Any advice on the person to take (first or third) would also be welcome.**


	2. Weakness

_I need to go somewhere secluded. I just need time to reflect._

Rin continues to dash down the street towards home. The sun has now fully risen, and many students are running towards the school, too absorbed in their own worries and concerns to notice Rin's distress.

Rin's shoe gives away and she falls backward. Her backpack manages to stop her back from hitting the ice. The force jolts open the backpack pocket, causing her books and papers to spill out. The wind blows a sheet of paper away. It folds and gets caught in a groove in the snow and stays there. Rin imagines that it is reluctant to leave the warmth of her backpack.

_Damn. I should really have left those at home. There wasn't class today anyway._

Rin hears yells of glee in the distance. A laughing boy is being carried by his classmates down the street. They're looking at least as happy as he is.

_No doubt what happened there. Maybe they'll lend me a hand._

The parade approaches and proceeds to trample over Rin's notes. They're completely oblivious, obviously engrossed in their joy and fantasies.

Rin recovers the sheet of paper and examines it. It's still readable, although wet and crumpled. It contained homework from her mathematics class. Akiyama-san, her mathematics teacher, had given the students a difficult proof to complete, challenging them to build their abilities. All of her classmates had attempted and given up, but Rin had persevered. She had come back to the problem several times, trying new approaches, simplifying it, thinking of similar problems that she had solved before.

_I had worked so hard, because I was encouraged by promises of admiration, promises of other people affirming my self-worth._

Her teacher was effusive with praise. The other students gazed at her with eyes of jealousy and envy. But all that amounted to nothing now.

_Those bastards. I used to be above them all, yet now they're treating me as if I'm some leaf on the side of the road._

_Am I that pitiful? One day, just they wait...they will all fall at my feet again, stripped of their pride. And then I will be the one gloating._

"Rin!"

A long-haired woman walks toward Rin. Her face is excited and eager; she seems to be anticipating something. She is dressed in a long black uniform. A teacher at the middle school...

_Shoot. It's Akiyama-san. What do I tell her? She's spent so much time helping me study for the entrance exam. She told me that she was putting everything on the line for my success!_

Rin turns away and quickly gathers her books.

_She knows me too well. She'll know the instant she sees my face._

"How did it go? I know that you..."

_Sorry, but your efforts have been in vain._

Rin's red eyes tell her everything.

Akiyama's expression changes instantaneously. Her eyes narrow and her nostrils begin to widen. A cold silence ensues, before she looks away and briskly walks towards the school.

_She's never looked at me that way before._

"Wait, I can still prove myself! Please!" Akiyama's back emotionlessly moves away. No sympathy.

Rin sits there, dazed. She wills herself to stand up, but the cold shock has completely dumbed her thoughts.

_What am I doing here? I've lost all my dignity. __People are abandoning me now because that I'm unworthy of attention. How weak and pathetic must I look here… I need to pull myself together. I can still rise again, but only if I try harder._

Rin spent the rest of the day walking around town to buy textbooks. She swore that she would not enjoy another moment of leisure until she had defeated her opponents.

_It seems far-fetched, but I need to make that promise, if I can still respect myself._

Rin walks toward home on the empty, dark street. She sees all the windows lit in a faraway house, with cars filling the entire driveway.

_Another winner, another fulfilled person, another celebration._

Suddenly, Rin feels a rush of fear. An old van is parked in front of her house, right by the mailbox.

_It's my father's van. There's no mistaking the gash on the side door. There's no doubt for what he has come over to do. I'm really screwed over now. He was always a strict father._

The dark-blue sky looms over Rin. The sun is setting and stains the sky with bloody streaks of red. The trees are merely black caricatures now, dark patterns waving ominously.

_This can't get much spookier…My forehead is getting really sweaty._

Rin takes off her coat and slowly walks toward the house. She sees a tall and thin darkly-dressed man, sitting on the steps of the front porch. He's very quiet, but that quietness is disconcerting.

Rin senses her father's anger. Experience from years of living with him.

_I need to calm down. I can't let this escalate into a full-blown conflict._

Rin walks closer to the trees lining her neighbors' front yard, in order to move out of her father's line of sight.

_I'm really scared to face him, but a confrontation is inevitable. He might sit there the whole night, waiting for me to come home. __In an hour or so, the conflict will be over anyway. I'll hold on to that hope._

"Hey, dad!"

Rin calls out. Her strangled voice breaks the eerie silence.

_I sound completely guilty_.

Rin's father raises his head to look at Rin in the eyes. He smiles slightly, but his eyes betray his true emotion.

_I've seen that face before. It's the face of one who wants to punish, to vent anger._

"Had a good walk around downtown after school? Been having fun?" His voice is strangely light.

"I wasn't…"

"We've trusted you a lot to allow you to live out here by yourself, and this is how you repay us?" His talk falls into a whisper near the end.

Rin's anger rises again.

_Shut up. I've been trying, working myself every night until I can barely stay awake. I don't deserve this! He can't expect more of me..._

"Dad, it's not like that…"

"EXPLAIN THEN!"

He suddenly jumps up and strides over to Rin.

"Dad. I've really tried. You told me before I left to give it my all, and I can say that I did. I've worked harder than anyone at my school."

"You're not trying hard enough. Compared to those vermin and slackers, that means nothing! You should be ashamed of yourself for lowering yourself to their level. You're my daughter, damn it!"

His face is livid, his eyes bloodshot.

_He seems completely out of his mind. His breathing is getting heavier and heavier. If he's going to beat me, I hope it'll be quick._

Rin's father strikes out in a sudden motion. Rin instinctively backs off but the snow leaves little room to maneuver. His arm, longer than she expected, grabs onto Rin's necklace. His hands close around the chalk at the end.

_No. Please._

Mr. Kagamine pulls backward with a great force. Rin feels the string cut into the back of her neck. The pain is searing. She lets out a small cry.

_Something's flowing on the back of my 's too much to be sweat. I'm bleeding…_

Rin's father grabs the chalk and throws it onto the pavement, where it shatters into several pieces, skidding on the tar. Under the streetlights, the chalk pieces are a vivid yellow, in stark contrast with the white of the snow and the black of the trees.

_Why am I in this situation? Why is fate so cruel to me?_

Rin felt as though she had lost something dear to her. That small piece of chalk had always been there for her, in its own small way. But now it laid completely broken.

_Broken._

Rin's father's eyes have diminished. His rage is over. He turns away from Rin and walks toward his van.

"I swear that if you fail again, I will give you hell. Real hell."

Rin watches her father leave. She takes out a small handkerchief and presses it on the back of her neck to stem the flow of blood.

_I can't weaken my resolve. I must continue, I must win, I must survive beyond what other people can survive, I must surpass all others! I must stand, by myself, on the high pedestal, known by all, and respected by all! I must do it at all costs._

It's cold in the house. Rin makes a flame on the small fireplace. She imagines her emotions like a dancing fire, vigorous, and determined to do something, to accomplish something.

_I can't rely on others, not even that piece of chalk anymore. People are out there to break me, and I can't back down._

She walks over to her coat rack, takes the headphones, and tosses them into the fire. I won't be needing them anymore.

_They're a symbol of my weakness, and they won't do anything but drag me back._

As she watches the flames wrap around her oldest possession's wooden and steel frame, she feels that a small part of her has died, but something much stronger has awakened to take its place.

**Yeah, I tried to put some symbolism in this chapter. **

**Oh, and thank you Dreamer for your review. I'll go with the third person for now, but I feel like once I start using too many italicized emotions, I might switch to first. Your encouragement helps keep me determined to write on. **

**Same business with making sure my work is original. **

**This section was inspired by an autobiography I read about Lang Lang, a Chinese pianist. He had a demanding father that he got into conflicts with often. **

**I read some martial arts novels by this guy called Jin Yong. The martial artists usually win when they have long arms and when their opponents don't expect that...Yeah, that's where I got the long arm idea.**

**Sorry for editing after posting - I realized that I had some choppy parts.**

**Also, sorry for weird detailing and dialogue. I'm still getting used to this.**


	3. Isolation

(Three months later)

"The train will be arriving at Shibuya station shortly." A voice calls over the intercom system.

Rin stands by a pillar, moving her suitcase back and forth in boredom.

_I had gotten so many books that they wouldn't all fit in my backpack anymore._

Since there is little time to study and the lighting inside the station is very minimal, Rin decides to kill some time looking at the advertisement screens placed on the outer wall of the train tracks.

They're very colorful, displaying advertisements of new movies and animated series. She sees one portraying a hulking fighter grabbing a disproportionately large sword, lightning bolts exuding from its edges. He's swinging it at a black demon with red eyes and a snarling mouth, while several other characters look on with awed expressions. His eyes are surprised himself. It seems like that he just discovered his power mere moments ago.

_They really need to get creative with the shounen genre. Looks like the main character is making another insane comeback. It really ruins the fun of watching when you know who's going to win every battle. Still, I wouldn't mind being the protagonist, able to get stupidly strong whenever pushed into desperate situations. I hate losing. _

She sees another picture displaying several schoolgirls staring with large, innocent eyes. Rin rolls her eyes.

_My legs are getting cold. April already, and the frigidness of winter is still lingering. I wish that the school would give gender-neutral uniforms. The boys can wear long pants, yet the girls have to wear pleated skirts. Damn._

Rin finally hears the rhythmic beat of the train traveling down the track. She lives in a rather isolated neighborhood, so few students are waiting at this station. Mainly salarymen who are going to work in large corporations.

_It isn't like I'm going to talk much anyway. Conversation just makes me feel very awkward._

She's getting a bit nervous as it's the first day of high school. Another step in becoming an adult.

_I didn't get into the number one school, so I was assigned to another, on the opposite side of town. I probably won't know many of the new people, so it looks like that I need to build my reputation from nothing this time._

Rin takes a deep breath to calm herself. She instinctively reaches for her neck.

_Oh right. I don't have that anymore._

The train pulls up in front of her and opens the doors.

_It's packed full. Even finding a handhold would be difficult._

Rin grabs her suitcase by both arms and lifts it in order to clear the train's raised floor. Her arms immediately burn in strain.

_My arms are too thin to lift this, and my face is getting red. Six textbooks, and the physics book is at least five kilograms._

_I probably don't need a handhold, actually. There's no way I'm going to fall over with this many people clumped together this tightly. _

"Rin!"

Rin moves her head in surprise, trying to find the source of the sound.

Akari and Yuki are sitting on one of the benches. Akari's waving at her, beckoning her over. Yuki gives her a nod.

_How did you guys even get seats? Damn lucky..._

A boy wearing a bandanna and a ripped t-shirt stands up next to them and tries to push to the exit. A well-dressed woman makes a motion to take his seat...

"Sorry! This place is saved for somebody." Akari awkwardly grins and makes a frantic gesture, telling her that she has to find another seat.

The woman shoots Akari an annoyed look. Rin tries to restrain her laughter.

_Shoot, I can't laugh. I'm supposed to be the serious student._

"Thanks..." Rin mutters and takes the seat. She rests her arms on top of her suitcase. They still hurt.

"Look, we all made it in to this school! It may be old, but it's the second best after _that_." Akari gives a bright smile. Her face shows no signs of the hopelessness of three months past.

"Akari, you've reminded me about that a dozen times." Yuki seems irritated.

Akari shoots Yuki an amused look.

"Come on, you're not still mad over not getting into the top school?"

"What?! You were the one crying to me over the phone the night after we got the results."

"That was a long time ago!"

_I guess they don't take it that seriously. They've already moved on._

"My dad wasn't that disappointed; he told me that I did really well. And well, he bought me these earrings." Akari moves her head to the side and points to a black marble loop dangling from her ears.

_Your dad bought you those? My dad would probably rip them off my ears if he was angry enough..._

"They look really pretty, don't they?"

_I guess she has to spout some typical girl talk._

_To be honest, they really don't fit you. If your ears were paler, then the black with the white skin in the background would look nice, but your skin is far too yellow. Well..._

Rin struggles to come up with what to say.

_I'm supposed to be humble and kind. That's how all the teachers described me. I'm supposed to be the moral authority, the one that others look to. I can't hurt her feelings._

"Yeah, they look really beautiful..."

"I think so too!" Akari puts on a joyful face.

"I don't. But they're large and clumsy. It fits your personality." Yuki dodges Akari's hand as she tries to squeeze her cheeks.

_Yuki's face. There's a scar on the edge of her chin. She has an abusive uncle, I've heard. Apparently he's a renowned scholar, having received top honors from Kyoto University and later done genetic research for a major hospital. He must have been really disappointed in her. A scar from battle..._

Akari resumes talking about what she did over winter vacation. Rin fakes interest, putting on a small smile, and nodding after every few sentences.

Yuki talks back in an animated fashion. She's pinching her hair braids with her thumb and index finger and twirling it, laughing and poking fun at Akari.

Strangely, Rin feels a strange jealousy.

_No one ever wants to do anything with me outside of school. Yuki and Akari...they get along so happily. Whenever it's the three of us together, they would rather talk amongst themselves. I would always be excluded, feeling out-of-place, not knowing how to enter the conversation. Why? I'm polite, intelligent, and hard-working. Is there a reason why I'm ostracized? What is it? Someone tell me!_

Rin begins to feel a sinister heat spreading over her body.

_It'll be hard to talk now. I feel like that...if I bring up something, they'll just look at me dispassionately and resume talking with each other. And then I'm going to feel even more awkward._

Akari and Yuki stand up, ready to leave. Akari carelessly pats Rin on the shoulder a few times before exiting the train, still engrossed in her conversation.

_If society is going to abandon me, then I'm going to retaliate. If I think about it more, companionship is a large waste of time. It isn't going to help me pass a test and win the approval of my teachers and parents. I don't need human company anymore. Rather be friendless and praised, than be popular and ridiculed. _

She looks around at the other passengers, all happily discussing their plans today.

That sinister heat had given rise to an inferno of darkness. She wanted nothing more than to take revenge against the world, which she felt had wronged her.

_Hatred._

She's felt remnants of these feelings before, but today they solidified into a coherent mindset.

After passing a couple more stations, the people have emptied out a lot. Rin could now look down the aisle and see the passengers on the other benches. A toddler is complaining to his mother about buying a toy car.

Rin cringes – she's never liked small children.

_When I was a small child, I cried so much. In kindergarten, I was always trying to run away when the teacher announced play groups and nap time. I just wanted to go do what I wanted to do. I think my parents screamed at me a lot then._

Rin suddenly becomes aware that someone is staring at her.

It's a boy.

He's sitting forward on the chair, the elbows of his long arms resting on top of his thighs. He has a pair of black earphones on. He's dressed rather plainly: a white sailor shirt, black shorts, and white shoes. His school badge is green.

_That's my badge color; he's from our school. I can't see his name – he's too far, and I'm very nearsighted. But what the hell. Is he stupid, coming to school dressed like he's going shopping?_

Rin looks at his face. The two pairs of bright sapphire eyes engage each other.

_He's squinting at me, intently. What's he trying to do?_

Rin turns her neck and looks at the person sitting on the next bench, pretending that she didn't notice him, that she had just looked at him while she was randomly scanning people in the train.

After a while, she can't ignore him anymore.

_Can he not do this in front of other people? It's getting rather embarrassing._

He raises his hand and gives her a small wave.

Rin begins to involuntarily blush. She's never been accosted by a boy before, outside of school.

_Does he know me? I haven't seen him around my school or the shopping area. _

The train lurches to a stop this time. Rin almost falls over to her side.

_What's going on?_

The train is controlled by an automatic mechanism, but it's still operated by a conductor, who stops the train in emergencies.

The conductor yells back: "Sorry! Someone jumped in front of the train."

_There seems to be a high frequency of idiots today._

The conductor hurries out of the train to call for the station officers. He comes back a while later and grabs a steel ladder strapped to the roof. The train door close behind him. Some of the other passengers are curious, gazing out the windows to see the commotion.

_How convenient. This train is really prepared for all kinds of odd incidents._

After a few minutes, the doors reopen and the conductor leads a teal-haired girl in. She's panting heavily, trying to give the conductor an apologetic smile. He shoots her a nasty look. Some of the passengers shake their heads in disbelief. She also has a green badge.

_Wow, looks like school this year will be fun. We have a really interesting variety of students._

"Hey, look. I'm really sorry! But you know, a cat jumped onto the tracks and well, I couldn't just let it sit there, waiting for death! It's really cute, too. I didn't think the next train would arrive that quickly. You're five minutes ahead of schedule."

A couple of the passengers groaned.

_Is she well-known on this train?_

The girl walks to the middle of the aisle and rummages through her backpack.

"Hey, wait. Don't tell me..." An old, bearded man says to the girl.

"Yup, that's right! I'll sing you a song. You guys look like you need some morale boosting."

The man puts his hand to his face and slumps on his seat.

The girl takes out a small microphone and a speaker.

"Hey, I need to get to the new station. Don't blame me if your crap falls over!" The conductor yells to the girl.

"It's all right. I'm prepared this time!" The girl picks up the speaker and turns it over to show it to the passengers.

_Suction cups._

_Is this a joke?_

She happily places the speaker on the floor and presses on it for adherence. Holding one hand to the handhold above her, she brings the microphone to her mouth and presses the on button on the speaker.

A synthesized gust noise comes from the speaker. A bongo plays, and after the few seconds the percussion begins to pick up.

_Oh no, not this song._

Then a synthesized piano begins to play in a jazz rhythm followed by a short trumpet/violin fanfare. The trumpet plays a downward passage; a persistent background beat begins and the girl begins to sing.

"A purple butterfly on your right shoulder.

We kissed in the corner of the room.

I learned what it's like to have a heartrending feeling.

Sounds of a piano rebounded, dissonance in my head."

Music has an uncanny ability to draw Rin back to a time long passed. She remembers how she used to listen to this song as a child, daydreaming and infatuated.

_How foolish was I then. I used to cling to those false hopes of passionate love, the idea that someone would be there for me. Someone who can't live without me. That isn't going to happen. I need to stay fulfilled another way...I need my parents to be proud of me._

Rin gazes across at the boy sitting across. He's watching the girl's performance, his mouth in a wide grin. She's never seen a person as awed as he is now.

**Well, that took a long time. It didn't turn out as well as I thought it was going to. Yes, it came out rather boring. I'm sorry. I was getting a bit obsessed on Rin's internal monologue, but I don't think I can do her psychology justice. They say show, but don't tell. Easier said than done.**

**You people probably already know who the two new characters are. I just need time to write a proper introduction.**

**To Neko, the Kagamines are my favorite too! I wouldn't say that Rin has given up on her purpose to live. Rather, her struggles have given her a new purpose. But whether that purpose would make her happy is the question.**

**To Lolly, I like the Lost One's Weeping a lot too. It's a very emotional song, and I think it conveys the thoughts of many stressed students out there.**

**To Dreamer, the emotions, some of them come from my own. Else, I wouldn't be able to make them this detailed.**

**Okay, I need you guys to do me two favors.**

**Point out to me if you see similar ideas/structural aspects that come from other works. I'm really paranoid over plagiarism.**

**Also, could you make sure that this chapter makes sense to you? I find myself getting lost in the logic of Rin's psychology at times, so I want an outside perspective. Can you get what I'm going on about? **

**Lastly, I'm curious about something. Do you think I'm a male or a female, based on my writing? I'm not being sexist or anything, I'm just interested in whether there are characteristic styles of writing for each gender.**

**I used Wikipedia for the name of the train station. In reality, it's somewhere in Tokyo. Sorry if my interpretation of Japanese train culture is incorrect. I mostly made it up.**

**The song is Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder, by Nori-P. Normally, it's sung by Rin and Len, but I made Miku sing it in this chapter.**

**I may have vilified Rin a bit too much in this chapter. It's all done for a reason.**

**I used AnimeLyrics and this link**

** watch?v=rt_iCLU_gMo**

**For the lyrics.**


	4. Remembrance

_Ow._

Rin walks down the gravel path. The thin soles of her shoes makes it feel as if she's walking barefoot on the jagged rocks.

_They really need to work on uniform design…_

The vivid green grass on the fields are illuminated by the orange light of the sun, barely over the horizon. Drops of dew hang on the end of some grass blades, giving the normally uniform fields a heterogenous feel. The air is moist and crisp, refreshing when breathed in.

_Well, high school seems a lot different. It's a new beginning…_

The grounds are still quiet as of now, but the noise level gradually increases as more students enter the black metal front gates. Laughter and talking, familiar sounds that Rin hates, begin to fill the school.

_It seems that everybody already seems to know each other. It's always like this...I thought that it took a while for people to get used to each other._

Rin feels vulnerable again.

_Here, I have nothing to defend myself with. Observers will see me as a quiet and unpopular girl, a nobody, someone not worthy of attention._

She feels a slight sense of fear.

_Please, let that change soon. After the first exam, I'll be known as the brightest girl the school has ever seen. Calm down now..._

_Why do I want to win so badly? My parents and teachers, they've pushed me so hard so that I could come out on top of everybody else. I don't know...I just gradually incorporated that into my identity. Above anything else, I want others to hold me in high esteem...I won't be the target of condescending looks and words. I won't die unknown, buried in a uninscribed grave. I won't live like the forgotten millions who have come before me...I need to be recognized as someone special...if that means I have to study until insanity...I have no choice. I can abandon anything for that...laughter and companionship. Those laughing idiots...they may not want to be with me now...but they'll regret it when they fail to rise above mediocrity. It's the only thing now that I need to live._

Someone near her gives a loud, cheerful yell. Rin nearly jumps.

_What the hell?_

A group of rowdy boys are gathered around a small lily pond. A boy with a rumpled shirt throws a pebble into the water, sees it make one or two ripples, and then puts his hand to his face, clearly distraught. The goldfish in the water, frantically swimming away from the ripples also seem rather distressed that rocks are being pelted at them.

_Is this some kind of display of masculinity? There are better things to do, you know._

The yellow-haired boy on the train is in the group. He's sitting near the pond, rolling a pebble between his thumb and index finger. He looks up when Rin walks near the lake.

_He's staring at me again. Does he have a sensor that specializes in detecting me?_

Rin feels a small burst of jealousy, but quickly suppresses it.

_Already found friends, haven't you? I hope you enjoy your time with them, or rather, I hope you enjoy wasting your time with them…_

She ends her thoughts in a slightly sadistic mood.

"Hey, you over there!" A female voice calls out with sharp articulation

_Oh crap, I can't be in trouble already…_

"Len Kagamine! What the hell do you think you're wearing?"

The other boys in the crowd seems to notice something immediately and quickly begin to move away from him. The boy with the rumpled shirt straightens his uniform and begins to examine the pebble he's holding in his hand, putting on an expression of obviously faked interest.

_Did you all seriously just notice that he wasn't wearing a uniform? You people are really good observers...And you need to put on a much better face than that. But I don't blame you...I wouldn't want to associate with an idiot like that either…_

The source of the voice, a stern-looking teacher in a black school dress, approaches and tightly seizes Len by the forearm.

_That looks painful, but he isn't wincing at all. I don't believe it...he's still staring at me._

"Did you look at yourself today before you came to school? Where's your school pride?"

"What school pride?" Len says back in a monotonous voice.

"You aren't wearing your school uniform!"

"This is my school uniform."

Everybody around quiets down suddenly. The boy in the rumpled shirt seems to be sweating slightly.

_Damn, there's this suffocating tension in the air...He really needs to learn when and where to say certain things._

"You better come with me now...I'll admit, you've got some good nerve."

Len doesn't say anything and walks behind the teacher, who waves away students blocking their path.

"You can stop staring at that girl over there...even if you're attracted to her…"

The other boys burst out laughing and then begin to talk excitedly. The boy with the rumpled shirt has collapsed to the ground, rolling in the grass and grabbing his face with his hand.

_Well, as expected, my cheeks are burning. I guess I was always this sensitive...damn, the blush has spread to my neck. I wouldn't be surprised if steam was coming out of both sides of my face. Teachers have to always misinterpret something…_

"Miss Kagamine!"

Rin turns around. A white-haired man in a plaid shirt raises his hand at her. His black eyes appear very serious, displaying little other emotion.

_A teacher? Or the principal, maybe? He looks rather old to still be teaching._

"Yes? How may I help you?" Rin gives a small bow.

The man smiles slightly, making his wrinkled skin more prominent.

"So, the rumors were true. I see, as well-mannered as expected."

"Y-you've heard of me before?"

The man begins to squint at her. He seems to be evaluating something.

_Why is everybody staring at me today? I'm not wearing anything provocative, just the school uniform..._

He gives a small chuckle.

"You have exactly the same expression as your father has when confused."

_I didn't think my father was ever confused...He always seemed to know what he wanted to do…_

"You know my father, then?"

"It's been, I think, thirty years since I had him as a student? He's not an easily forgettable person. He gave off this air of uncanny intelligence and ability. Well, he wasn't much of a talker, always preferring to go off and read by himself. But he was a brilliant student, diligent and respected. I'm fairly sure that almost every student in his class looked up to him. So, I thought it little a surprise that you are his daughter. Yes, I've heard a great deal about you from you teachers in middle school."

_Damn, this feeling, it's happening again. _

Rin feels all other sensations in her mind have been wiped clean, all replaced by a mounting euphoria.

_It's during these times that I feel like a goddess, a person far above others…_

"Well, it's been good talking to you. I have confidence that you'll do things...great things, I believe.

"Y-yes, sir. I'll try my hardest!"

The man gives a small nod and walks away, hands folded behind his back.

As Rin walks toward the raised lawn, where the welcome ceremony was being held, she keeps thinking about the man's words.

_I have confidence...that you'll do great things..._

_I have to give it my all...I can't let others down._

Rin looks ahead at the bulk of students.

_Oh crap, they seem to be going up something. Damn, it's stairs._

She grabs her suitcase at the handle with both hands, inhales deeply, and imagines that she's focusing all her strength into her arms.

_Come on, it's only 8 steps. Only 10 feet or so…_

Her legs begin to wobble slightly and her arms begin to burn.

_I probably weigh barely more than this. I can't screw up and look like a fool…_

Driven by fear of shame and humiliation, Rin slowly walks up the steps. She thinks of some motivating music, like in an epic battle scene in a shounen anime, but she can't remember how it goes exactly.

_Ever since I destroyed those headphones, I haven't listened to music. It's been a long time…_

When she walks onto the last step, Rin becomes overfilled with relief and loses all her strength. She drops the suitcase on the grass and leans against the railing.

_Damn, now I'm really hungry. But well, I can't eat here on the grass, and I don't have time to leave since the teachers' speeches are going to start soon. What an unfortunate combination of events…_

She sits down and tries to study to forget her hunger. Lifting the physics textbook out of the bag is torture on her aching arms.

_Let's see...different formulations of classical mechanics. What the hell is this?_

She skims through the various diagrams, labeled with complicated mathematical symbols.

_I didn't even know this stuff existed before...that squiggly sign and those fractions with weird-looking d's…_

_No, I can't give up. Keep reading, Rin…_

She reads through the first few pages, barely absorbing any meaningful information.

_I still don't get what the hell the principle of least action means…_

_And I'm still hungry...maybe looking at the food will help…or maybe not..._

She rummages through her textbooks and finds her bento. The warmth emanates through the wrapped towel.

_That's really enticing, I admit that…_

She wraps her hands around a cool-feeling bottle of something. She lifts it out and looks.

_Wow, am I lucky...It's not just juice...it's not-from-concentrate orange juice!_

She looks at the expiration date.

April 17. 14:00.

_Damn, by that time I'll still be in school, listening to these people talk about school policy. I can't drink anything here besides water…_

_It's only a few hours difference...but once it expires it won't taste the same. It's some sort of psychological effect...knowing that it's expired just makes it taste worse…_

"Why aren't you eating? Especially since you've lifted that pack all the way up here. With your tiny muscles, that's a rather impressive achievement."

_It's Len. That little…_

He sits down next to Rin and opens his own bento - a bunch of bananas.

_That's all he eats? They don't even look ripe…_

"Um, excuse me, but the school says that we're not allowed to eat on the grass."

Len doesn't even look at her now. He just peels a banana and eats it impassively.

"If the school tells you to poke my eyes with a pair of chopsticks, would you do it? Actually, that might be a legitimate question."

Rin can't help but feel both amused and annoyed.

_Damn it, I have to censor my thoughts. I can't come off rude and undignified…_

"Nah, I'd poke them through the ears. You don't really seem to need them anyway."

_Damn, that just flowed out of my mouth. No self-control..._

Len laughs.

_His laugh isn't sarcastic or ill-willed...just sincere. He seems genuinely happy, really..._

Len's still smiling when he packs up and walks away. Rin shakes her head in confusion.

Rin's resisting the urge to fall asleep. The sky is becoming blanketed by long, grey clouds, and the air is becoming warm. A gentle breeze blows through her hair, and she tries to keep back a yawn.

_I have to stay awake…It probably wouldn't matter, since the lawn here is so large, and the teachers are so far away they probably wouldn't notice. They could at least think of something interesting to talk about…_

Her eyelids are about half-closed now.

The wind seems to pick up behind Rin's back. She hears in her sleepy state loud and uncoordinated footsteps approach.

_Who is it?_

Rin feels a strong force strike her off-balance, and she falls forward, her face roughly hitting the soil. She can smell the dirt - earthy and raw.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Rin explodes in anger and looks around. It's the teal-haired girl. She's wearing earphones, except they're only partially-in-place now, jarred by the impact.

_Hatsune...Miku._ Rin reads the kanji etched into the sides of the earphone bridge.

_That name seems really familiar..._

"Sorry, that came a lot more forceful than I intended."

_No._

"H-hey, I was just trying to give you a hug. No hard feelings?"

"Who even gives a hug like that? Why did you want to hug me in the first place?"

Miku sits down and puts her head on her hands, thinking hard.

"Well, the world needs more love, don't you agree?"

_That's the best you can come up with?_

Rin begins to laugh.

_From the way you were thinking, I thought you were going to spit out some profound philosophy._

Miku raises her eyebrows in a threatening fashion. She gives Rin a knowing expression.

_Scary. That look...I feel like that...we've met before..._

"You think I'm joking, don't you? The deepest meanings can be expressed in the simplest ways, you know…"

_Yeah, sure._

"Here, I'll play you something!" Miku begins to take off the bag strapped across her shoulders.

"W-w-what?! Here? This isn't a concert hall!" Rin protests.

"Who gives a damn?"

"U-um…"

_Oh, youthful recklessness..._

Miku proceeds to take out an amplifier, a microphone, a stand, and a small white electric guitar.

_How much stuff do you carry in there?_

_Crap, this is going to draw a lot of negative attention._

"H-hey! Don't…"

Miku ignores her and straightens the stand.

"Testing…"

_You think that you won't be noticed?_

She begins to play two heavy chords followed by a passage of several more notes.

_I feel as if I've heard this song before. But the feeling's very vague…_

_I have this weird feeling...that this song is missing piano and drums. It doesn't sound right with only guitar._

Suddenly, Rin experiences a flashback - she sees a small playground. Swings, the slide, the sandbox. But she sees something else even more clearly.

_What is it? It looks like a hopscotch diagram..._

_What? I'm hearing voices too - small, high-pitched voices. They seem to be pleading for something…_

"_Rin! Come on, we can do it, together..You don't have to play that section by yourself. I'll be playing as well, with you..."_

"_Rin! It'll sound really good...you're not as stupid as you think...well, that still isn't saying much...Alright, alright, you don't have to hit me…"_

Miku's voice rings out high and clear, bringing Rin back to reality.

_I'll have to admit...she's a natural singer._

"The lonely girl is forever dreaming of something she can't reach and

Churning, churning the insides of her flustered mind.

'There's no problem.' she mutters; has she lost her words?

…

One more time, one more time.

'I'll roll today too.'"

_What is it I actually want to reach? Am I denying something? Am I rolling away from something? Rolling Girl...I remember the name of the song…what does that mean?_

"Hatsune! Come here with all your damn stuff!" The stern teacher in black clothing appears suddenly and casts a stony glance at Miku.

"S-sensei, I can explain...no, don't take my guitar...I need that, I mean, I need that to live…"

_You need that to live? What the hell do you mean?_

**Delayed update. This chapter was the end product of a sad tale. It's actually my second time writing this. I wrote the first version yesterday, but someone slammed my laptop shut too hard, and screwed over the hard drive. I was going to kill myself over not uploading it to Google Docs. Luckily, what I wrote before was still fresh in my head, so I mostly just copied over my first draft. So don't slam your laptop shut, even in rage. **

**Again, please check for sections that are way too similar to those of other works. More paranoia. That probably came from reading about Opal Mehta (look it up).**

**I admit, I was sort of hit by a massive break in inspiration. Writer's block sucks.**

**I think that I'm pulling along the story too slowly. Probably I'm getting too into my own world to get to the main plot quickly. Criticisms?**

**I drew inspiration from a bunch of stuff. I think they include Harry Potter, Catcher in the Rye, Tales of Xillia, and this band concert at my school. That physics stuff I read from some online pages and a textbook. I had to do a project on that stuff, but I never really got it. I was probably influenced by a bunch of other stuff, but I don't remember now, so I'll keep this space here as a placeholder when I think of them.**

**Song is Rolling Girl by Genjitsutouchi-P. I may be biased in selecting these songs since I usually choose my favorite ones first, but this song fits the tone of the story surprisingly well. **

**Used below site for lyrics:**

** . **

**Used below two sites for interpretations of the lyrics**

** wiki/Rolling_Girl**

** wiki/%E3%83%AD%E3%83%BC%E3%83%AA%E3%83%B3%E3%82%AC %E3%83%BC%E3%83%AB_%28Rolling_Girl%29**

** Misa Kagekatsu**

**Well, that's about the best thing I can hear from someone, that someone's been able to relate to my story. And for my gender...I don't quite want to reveal it yet. I dunno, I just feel that once I do, my writing will become more limited in some way.**

** Dreamer520**

**Yeah, I agree with your statement about POV. But well, I honestly think that girls are more emotional (well, at least on the outside, based on psychology studies) than boys. Girls are shown to display more empathy, generally.**

** Happy Neko 6**

**Damn, I got a bit giddy reading your review too. I kind of started to pace around the room to calm down, haha.**

**Well, fanfiction writers, I suppose, most of them are female.**

**Yeah, vocaloid songs could be very insightful - but they seem rather superficial at first, it takes a bit of digging and thinking to get something that has meaning to you.**


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